Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Oskar’s grandparents have an unconventional and complicated relationship in which the love they feel for each other is not easy to disentangle from the deceit, emptiness, and things unsaid that divide them. Thomas Sr. never got over the loss of Anna, and neither did Oskar’s grandmother. Thomas Sr. had been filled with so much joy and hope over his future with Anna that when it was taken from him, he could think of nothing else. When Oskar’s grandmother finds him in America, he attempts to sculpt her to be more like her sister, and Oskar’s grandmother finds herself allowing it to happen because she is so desperate for love and company. For Oskar’s grandparents, it was as though their love was present, but could never be truly felt or acted upon: “That’s all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet” (130). Their relationship was based on rules intended to preserve their distance and privacy. They never changed clothes in front of one another, and they designated “Nothing places” around their small apartment—places where the other person had to pretend not to see them (110). Oskar’s grandfather was never able to open up about what had happened to him or how he felt, and because of this, their relationship failed. This made him feel like a failure himself, and he left his wife for 40 years, only returning after their son had died. Upon his return, she takes him in but continues to reject him, almost as though they have picked up right where they left off. He is confined to a guest room, and she refuses to let him call Oskar his grandson. Still, she follows him to the airport when he leaves again, and they keep each other company there for the rest of their lives. Rather than deciding whether to be something or nothing, they stay somewhere in between.

In Oskar’s life, his own relationships with his remaining family members are deeply complex. His grandmother needs him more than he needs her, and she often remarks on just how intense her love for him is. Oskar’s mother is distant and seems unsure how to approach her grieving son, instead handing him off to a therapist or his grandmother. Oskar’s relationship with his mother starts to heal when the novel concludes: “She was looking over at me. I don’t believe in God, but I believe that things are extremely complicated, and her looking over me was as complicated as anything ever could be. But it was also incredibly simple. In my only life, she was my mom, and I was her son” (324). Oskar meets his grandfather, but is not consciously aware of it, and they remain distant as Thomas Sr. only stays for a while before leaving again. What Oskar is really left with is himself and the knowledge that he is capable of moving forward.

In Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, past and present are constantly intertwined and blended together. The past is always influencing the present as characters avoid confronting the trauma in their pasts, preventing them from moving on and fully experiencing life. This cycle begins with Oskar’s grandparents, who lived through the Dresden bombing but lost the person they loved most: Anna. Both Oskar’s grandmother and grandfather loved her more than anything, and when she was gone, neither of them could replace her or recover from that loss. They found each other in America and started “looking for a compromise” (), but after years of trying, none could be found. Oskar’s grandmother never spoke about her feelings toward Anna, and Oskar’s grandfather never told his wife what happened to him in Dresden. When he does finally tell her 40 years later, it is through a series of morse-code beeps over the phone. All of this is told in the form of letters from Oskar’s grandparents; Thomas Sr. writes to his son, and Oskar’s grandmother writes to Oskar. They confess all the things they had held back, all the things which had remained hidden but had controlled and decided every moment of their lives: “Your mother and I never talk about the past, that’s a rule” (108). When Oskar’s grandmother writes her story, the pages are blank, as though her life never even happened at all. It is a total erasure of the past, and perhaps the most important thing that she and her husband share. Oskar’s grandmother writes, “Each day has been chained to the previous one” (181), observing the way that the moments of her life have connected together. She is grateful for the pain and suffering of her past because all of it eventually led to Oskar. For Thomas Sr., “life is scarier than death” (215).

In Oskar’s life, the past comes to meet the present when he finds the key in his father’s closet. Oskar has been grieving the loss of his father and unable to lighten his “heavy boots” ever since 9/11. He fears many things, does not want to engage, and is angry at his mother for being too strong. The key leads Oskar on a journey of self-discovery as he comes to understand that many people are chained to their past, usually through love or loss. People like Ruby Black and Mr. Black, who mourn loved ones lost years ago, are examples of this. Oskar’s life also continues to be defined by the tragedies of 9/11, and even as the years go by, both his life and that of the city itself continue to be shaped by that day. After eight months of searching, Oskar is finally ready to begin living again.