History is All You Left Me

“Thursday, November 24th, 2016”

It’s Thanksgiving. Last year, Theo was supposed to fly home for Thanksgiving, but he chose to stay in California to have Thanksgiving with Jackson’s family. Griffin recalls worrying the whole time about Theo getting close with Jackson’s family.

Thanksgiving is at Griffin’s aunt’s house. It’s hot inside, but Griffin refuses to remove Theo’s hoodie. Griffin pushes through family pleasantries, but his 90-year-old grandmother asks where Theo is because she doesn’t remember Theo is dead. Her dementia has gotten worse. She wants to watch one of Theo’s old animations. Griffin considers showing her one, but he can’t bring himself to watch Theo’s videos yet. He sneaks away to his aunt’s room to lie on the bed under everyone’s coats.

Griffin’s dad retrieves him for Thanksgiving dinner. Griffin squeezes in where there’s space next to his cousin, Remy. Remy has always been a jerk about Griffin and Theo’s sexuality. As everyone eats, Griffin’s grandmother asks again where Theo is because she made her special mashed potatoes. Griffin says he’ll let Theo know he missed out, which makes Remy react with contempt. Remy tells Griffin to get over it, angering Griffin. Remy comments on how Theo already had a new boyfriend and reiterates that Griffin should get over it. Griffin attacks Remy until his parents drag him off, and they leave.

Late that evening, Theo’s mom, Ellen, calls Griffin. She wants permission to give Jackson Griffin’s number because Jackson would like to talk to Griffin. Griffin agrees and asks for Jackson’s number.

On the phone, Jackson is struggling, and he knows Griffin is struggling too. He needs to get out of Theo’s house for a while. Griffin wonders what Theo would’ve wanted and agrees to come pick up Jackson so they can go for a walk. As he gets ready to go, he considers how talking to Jackson might help. Griffin thinks Theo would like to see his two favorite people coming together like this. This only could have come to be with Theo’s death.

“Friday, September 26th, 2014”

After a visit to the guidance counselor, Theo explains that his grades are so remarkable that he can consider early admission to college, skipping his senior year. Theo is supposed to write an essay before November 1. He’s already eyeing Santa Monica College in California for its animation program. While Theo is excited about this opportunity, Griffin worries quietly about what will become of them. Theo is already a year ahead of Griffin, so this would separate them for two years if Theo gets into college early. Although Griffin is worried about losing Theo, on the surface, Griffin is supportive and vows to help Theo however he can. Griffin isn’t happy at all, though.

“Thursday, November 24th, 2016”

Griffin tells Theo that he doesn’t hate Jackson, but he was only nice to Jackson so that he didn’t look like a jerk trying to sabotage their relationship. It’s a freezing cold night, and it’s weird for Griffin to walk to Theo’s again, especially to pick up “the person who stole you from me” (81). All the places he passes are packed with memories.

Griffin is too scared to go inside Theo’s family home. Jackson comes downstairs, and for a while, the boys walk aimlessly in silence. Griffin makes efforts to stay on Jackson’s left side, acknowledging that he’s probably confusing Jackson. Theo used to understand.

They talk about Thanksgiving dinner. Theo’s family ordered Chinese. Jackson offered to bake bread or brownies, but no one was interested. Griffin acknowledges it’s bad when Denise doesn’t want to help bake. Jackson feels guilty that Theo spent his last Thanksgiving with Jackson’s family. Griffin thinks Jackson should feel guilty, but he doesn’t say so aloud.

Jackson asks if he can tell a Theo story. Griffin is reluctant at first, but he agrees. Theo brought Jackson to New York in February hoping to be present with Jackson for his first snow experience. It reminds Griffin of watching Star Wars for the first time with Theo, as Theo excitedly watched Griffin’s reactions.

Griffin takes Jackson to Lincoln Center. They talk about making wishes in the fountain. Griffin tries not to cry in front of Jackson. Griffin’s outlook on tossing coins in fountains is cynical now. Jackson disagrees with Griffin’s perspective. He sees coin tossing as a religious analog, similar to praying. Griffin asks Jackson how he can still believe in God after Theo’s death. Jackson reasons that Theo didn’t die pointlessly and that there must be a greater plan. Griffin is angry that Jackson insinuates Theo’s death could be part of Jackson’s personal growth. Jackson says Theo believed in God, and Griffin snaps at him. After a moment, Griffin apologizes.

It’s cold, so Griffin invites Jackson back to his house for the night. They share a cab. On the way, Griffin recalls the first time Theo came to his house. When they get there, Griffin’s parents are asleep on the couch, so they go to Griffin’s bedroom. Jackson explores all the things in Griffin’s room, fixating on the pictures of Theo. They talk about their dreams of Theo being alive again. Jackson talks about his troubled connection with his parents. Jackson acknowledges that Griffin loves Theo too, and he asks Griffin to give him the same grace. Though Jackson wasn’t Theo’s first everything, they were still important to each other.

Griffin remembers how Theo used to call him in the early days of Theo and Jackson’s relationship. Theo would consult Griffin about issues between Theo and Jackson. As much as Griffin wanted to tell Theo to end the relationship, he remained a supportive and loyal friend. Jackson stands up to leave. He’s sorry he tried to bond with Griffin, but he thought Griffin would understand him. Griffin stops him and offers to let him stay the night. He gives Jackson the air mattress.

In bed, Griffin listens to an old voicemail from Theo through his headphones. Jackson thanks Griffin for giving him a chance. He sees why Theo liked Griffin so much. Griffin wakes to Jackson’s crying, but he cannot bring himself to comfort Jackson. Griffin wonders if Theo’s spirit has been with him the whole time or if Theo is actually following around Jackson instead. The thought is terrible.

“Friday, October 31st, 2014”

Griffin and Wade sit on Theo’s bedroom floor and put together a puzzle while Theo works on finishing his admissions essay for tomorrow’s deadline. Wade asks Theo to hurry up because Halloween on a Friday is rare, and they have a party to attend. Theo was supposed to be done by now, but he reread the essay right before submitting it and decided it needed some changes. Griffin loves Halloween and doesn’t want to miss the party, but he knows he needs to support Theo. Theo and Griffin are both dressed as zombie pirates.

Theo is clearly stressed, and Wade’s insistence that the essay is fine only makes things worse. Theo suggests Griffin and Wade go without him, but Griffin refuses. Wade leaves and wishes Theo luck on the essay.

Theo confides in Griffin that he’ll do whatever it takes to make his vision of college a reality. He knows it’ll be hard to be away from Griffin. They tell each other they love each other. But Theo also loves the idea of college, and he’s put immense pressure on himself to get this essay right.

Griffin gives Theo a pep talk about how great he is and how he’s brilliant beyond what grades can measure. He jokes about finding out that Theo is secretly Batman, which amuses Theo. Theo is grateful but feels guilty that Griffin is missing Halloween.

Theo takes a short break. Griffin shows Theo some kisses his parents used to give him. First, the butterfly kiss, with eyelashes on the face. Next, the “caveman” kiss, where they bump foreheads. Then, the “Eskimo” kiss, where they rub noses together. Griffin is distressed that there are three of them—an odd number—so he invents one more: the zombie kiss. He nibbles on Theo’s cheek. Both boys laugh about the kisses. Theo suggests they have sex, but Griffin insists Theo get back to the essay.

“Friday, November 25th, 2016"

Griffin apologizes to Theo for going quiet the previous night. The thought that Theo could be hovering over Jackson, watching Jackson’s every move instead of Griffin’s made Griffin panic, but he calmed himself by recalling all the good memories he and Theo had. He feels bad that he didn’t comfort Jackson when he cried the previous night. He knows they got off to a bad start, and he hopes things can go better today.

Griffin finds Jackson sitting at the kitchen table with his mom. Jackson’s out of school for the semester to deal with the grief. Griffin wishes he was out of school too. He’s sure he’s going to fail all his classes.

Griffin and Jackson talk about their night and morning. Jackson had planned on slipping out to give Griffin space, but Griffin’s mom was already up, and they got to talking. Jackson gets the courage to ask Griffin if Griffin hates him, saying he would understand if he did. Griffin is surprised by the question, but they’re interrupted before Griffin can answer.

Jackson decides he should get back to Theo’s family’s house. Griffin decides to walk him back, feeling he owes Jackson another chance.

On the way to Theo’s house, Griffin and Jackson talk about Jackson’s friends in New York, Anika and Veronika. Theo met them both and even played Dungeons and Dragons with the group. Jackson laments that the distance has put a strain on their closeness.

The boys stop in a video game shop that Griffin and Theo used to visit together. After Jackson stops to look at three games, Griffin asks if he’ll look at a fourth one to make it an even number. Griffin confesses his need for even numbers to Jackson, who is confused but accepts Griffin’s quirk. Many things in the store remind Griffin of Theo.

Griffin tells Jackson a story about Theo being so disappointed by a puzzle game that he bought the rest of the store’s copies to save others from disappointment. Griffin smiles while talking about Theo, which is rare these days. Remembering he can’t play games with Theo again brings him back to sadness, though. Jackson and Griffin agree that it’s good to talk about Theo, even if it hurts.

Jackson asks Griffin to come up to Theo’s apartment. Griffin agrees because he thinks Theo would disapprove if he refused. It’s hard to be in Theo’s home without Theo. Theo’s family is happy to see Griffin. Griffin explains that Jackson stayed over the previous night, and Denise remarks that she thought they hated each other. Theo’s parents quickly scold her. Theo’s parents leave to take Denise to a playdate, leaving Griffin and Jackson alone. Neither boy has gone in Theo’s room yet, so they agree to go together.

Inside, there are many mementos of Theo and Griffin’s relationship and several from Theo and Jackson’s. A photo of Theo and Jackson sits where a photo of Theo and Griffin used to sit, and it hurts Griffin to see it. Suddenly, Griffin begins to panic. He runs out, leaving the building quickly. Jackson calls after him, but Griffin keeps going. At home, Griffin’s parents comfort him. Griffin’s dad is proud of him for being kind to Jackson. Griffin asks them to give him space.