History is All You Left Me

“Monday, December 12th, 2016”

Jackson takes Griffin to a church parking lot to teach him how to drive. Griffin has cynical feelings about religion but promises Theo he’ll stay quiet to Jackson. Griffin feels at ease with Jackson teaching him. He messes up a little at first but eventually gets the hang of it. He feels free because he’s in control.

They visit Theo’s dorm. There are bouquets and cards outside Theo’s door. Griffin doesn’t want to read what others have to say about Theo. He acknowledges that he and Jackson aren’t the only ones hurting. Griffin decides to keep the pirate bobblehead from his first care package to Theo.

Griffin begins to cry, so Jackson sits beside him and holds him. The body contact feels good to Griffin. He moves to nuzzle closer, but Jackson lets go, possibly misreading Griffin’s body language. Griffin hopes he didn’t cross a line. They finish packing up Theo’s belongings. It’s only two boxes’ worth.

On the way back, Griffin asks about a spy pen Jackson keeps in his car. Jackson says it was a gift from his father. Although he told Theo that his favorite gift was an action figure Theo got him, he was lying. Jackson’s favorite gift ever is the spy pen because it reminds him of happier childhood times before his parents divorced.

Jackson shows Griffin where he picked up Theo the night they met. Griffin feels numb. They get out of the car to take in the view. Griffin wishes he could still see Theo’s muddy footprints, but he concedes that he doesn’t need to know every step Theo took. He understands what Theo saw in Jackson. Jackson and Theo came to this spot once a month to celebrate their monthly anniversary. Griffin recalls celebrating monthly with Theo, but it only lasted seven months. Griffin pictures Theo and Jackson together. He wishes he’d been more open to meeting Jackson back in February.

Griffin asks if Jackson will still come after he’s dating someone new. Jackson doesn’t want to think about dating yet. Neither does Griffin, but he encourages Jackson to keep an open mind for the distant future when he’s ready. Jackson remains steadfast. Griffin wonders if Jackson is judging him for not moving on sooner.

Griffin is unsure about sleeping in Jackson’s bed, but Jackson insists. Jackson even ensures there’s an even number of pillows on the bet. They joke about what side Theo used to sleep on. Theo initially slept on the right side, which Jackson believes is a habit from being with Griffin.

Griffin asks for a story. Jackson relays fond memories of when he spent more time with Anika and Veronika. Griffin does the same with Wade. Jackson says he misses his friends. Griffin struggles to confess the same about Wade. Griffin wishes Theo were between him and Jackson. He comes to terms with the fact that love and grief won’t revive Theo, and he wonders if he can still revive himself.

“Tuesday, December 13th, 2016”

On the one-month anniversary of Theo’s death, Jackson and Griffin visit the beach where Theo drowned. Griffin decides he wants to know everything. Jackson and Theo went on the Ferris wheel that day to help Theo with his fear of heights. Griffin is sad Theo never got to look back on that bravery.

Jackson admits he doesn’t know the exact spot where Theo died. He’s distressed. He regrets that he wasn’t fast enough and the lifeguards weren’t close enough. They walk into the ocean up to their knees. Griffin wonders if any of the water molecules near him are the ones that drowned Theo. He punches the water, angry. A wave crashes over him, and he goes under, still fighting. Jackson drags Griffin to the surface. Griffin cries. He asks why Jackson wasn’t swimming with Theo. It’s because Theo needed alone time after hearing a distressing voicemail. Griffin admits it wasn’t Jackson’s fault and calms down. He reassures Jackson that he wasn’t responsible for Theo.

That night, Jackson asks to show Griffin something Theo showed him. Griffin agrees. Jackson launches into the four kisses Griffin and Theo used to do: butterfly, “caveman,” “Eskimo,” and zombie. Griffin is petrified that Theo shared their special kisses with someone else—kisses that Griffin’s parents originally taught him as a kid. He understands though. He realizes people are made up of different pieces.

Griffin grabs Jackson and kisses him. Jackson breaks away at first, and then kisses back. They begin to undress. Griffin is doing this as revenge against Theo for using their special history to build a relationship with someone else. He wants Theo to see him having sex with Jackson. Afterward, Griffin stares at the ceiling and realizes history cannot keep someone alive and with him forever. He tells Theo he no longer wants to talk.

“Wednesday, December 14th, 2016”

Griffin’s narration is no longer addressed to Theo. He feels strange about the previous night. Griffin and Jackson express pleasantries before Griffin blurts that their encounter didn’t mean anything. Jackson agrees. Griffin cries in the shower.

On the phone, Griffin promises to tell his parents everything when he returns because they can sense something is wrong. Griffin’s flight is this afternoon. Jackson tries to initiate intimacy with Griffin again, but Griffin rejects him.

Jackson breaks down crying over abandoning Theo in the water. Rather than try to save Theo himself, he went after a lifeguard, wasting precious time. Griffin is furious at this revelation. He calls Jackson a coward and asserts he would’ve risked his life for Theo. Jackson tries to restrain Griffin, but Griffin punches him in the face. Jackson says that a voicemail from Griffin made Theo run into the ocean in the first place. Griffin cannot handle this truth. He recalls leaving Theo a message about a taboo subject. He now feels like he’s the one who killed Theo.

Griffin flies home, not feeling as terrified or in need of control as before. He never plans to return to California.

“Friday, December 16th, 2016”

Griffin goes to therapy. He leaves Theo’s hoodie at home. He knows he needs to move on and acknowledges that Theo already did. In the waiting room, Griffin’s dad suggests he invite Wade to a movie. Griffin declines the offer.

Inside the therapist’s office, Griffin struggles to choose a seat, so he stands. Griffin desperately wants to talk, but he’s so anxious. The therapist informs Griffin that his parents briefed him on Griffin’s grief. Griffin laments that they didn’t know everything they needed to tell the doctor.

Despite no longer talking to Theo, Griffin feels Theo is there with him. He doesn’t want Theo to find out his secrets through therapy. Griffin would rather tell Theo himself.

“Saturday, December 17th, 2016”

Griffin apologizes to Theo for going quiet. He apologizes for his role in Theo’s death and for keeping things from him. He’s ready to reveal the things he’s ashamed of.