Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

Kaling does not understand what “hooking up” means, and her friends act shocked when she asks for clarification: “It’s not that I’m some pervert looking for lurid details (this time, anyway). It’s just that I have no idea what you are talking about” (157). She challenges readers to only use “hooking up” to refer to sex and “making out” to describe everything else.

Kaling learned that leaving a party without telling anyone is sometimes referred to as an “Irish exit.” She feels that this is a more polite way of exiting a large party. Rather than bothering the host or expecting people to stop their conversations to say goodbye to you, Kaling argues it is better etiquette to simply leave or make an excuse.

While at a party for a friend, Kaling’s ex-boyfriend appeared with his new, younger girlfriend Chloe. Kaling hoped to stay away from the pair, but Chloe approached her: “Can I just say you’re my hero? I took the Long Island Rail Road out to see Matt & Ben when I was in middle school” (161). Kaling told her friend Pete that she was going to use the bathroom, but Pete argued that he and everyone else knew that she was leaving the party. Kaling challenged Pete by taking off her jacket and placing it on the couch. Then she promptly went to her car and drove home; the jacket was cheap and worth the sacrifice.

In this chapter, Kaling offers advice to men. She explains that they need to do extraordinarily little to be considered hot or better than most other men. She offers clothing advice: Wear a nice peacoat; dark, straight-leg jeans; and either black shoes or Chuck Taylors. Kaling explains that men should have a minimal self-care routine and a signature drink. Basic politeness goes a long way. Kaling recommends waiting for women to get on or off the elevator first, helping in the kitchen or at a party without being asked, and defending one’s girlfriend’s relatives, even if they deserve criticism.

Kaling feels grateful that she can cry about many things without being traumatized by them. She lists some of these instances in the chapter, each notable for its silliness. When a nice, attractive, and respectful young man stood her up for a second date, she cried immediately. However, she does not have to experience something firsthand to feel emotionally affected. Kaling also cries when she sees valets who are near her father’s age, the portrayal of Mark Darcy by Colin Firth in Bridget Jones’s Diary, or whenever Kaling’s mother cries. Music impacts her as well, including the soundtrack from A Charlie Brown Christmas, Joni Mitchell’s Blue, and Elvis’s album Graceland.

Many of Mindy Kaling’s closest friends are Jewish. She offers advice and gratitude to these friends in the form of a list. She thanks them for being appreciative of Indian cuisine, reminds them that they know Larry David as well as she does, and tells them to stop worrying about getting sick.

Kaling enjoys eavesdropping on conversations at restaurants and tells herself that she is doing character research for work. While listening to a conversation between two women about their relationships, Kaling considers the differences between men and boys. She describes men as responsible, assured of themselves, and people who know what they want. Boys, however, are chaotic, broke, and fun.

Kaling explains that now that she is in her 30s, she is looking for a man instead of a boy. The men her age waiver between both, making it difficult to date. She explains that when she says she wants a man who is not afraid of commitment, she does not mean that she wants someone who will propose to her tomorrow. Instead, she is looking for someone who is serious and willing to commit to life by buying a home or pursuing a challenging career: “It’s a commitment to not floating around anymore. I want a guy who is entrenched in his own life. Entrenched is awesome” (180).

Kaling’s first crush was Pierce Brosnan. She advocates for men to embrace their chest hair, recognizing that this is a double standard: “I know the male equivalent of the person with my opinion is that creepy guy who declares he loves women to be ‘au naturel’ with a gross glint in his eye” (182). Kaling explains that chest hair is another distinction between a boy and a man.

In her college Shakespeare class, Kaling learned that comedies usually end in marriages, and she notes that this is also true of romantic comedies. Kaling suggests that the reason these stories end with weddings is that married people have done a poor job of selling the institution of marriage. While living in Los Angeles, Kaling knows more divorced people than married people, and she often finds them to be far happier than her married friends, who remind her repeatedly that marriage is hard work.

Kaling’s own parents are “pals.” The writer uses this word to describe a specific type of relationship. Her parents enjoy gardening and spending time together, but her mother’s best friend is another woman to whom she can talk about anything for hours. Kaling views good marriages as being on a team: “I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together” (186). She offers a direct call to married people to do a better job choosing partners and marketing marriage.

In this one-page chapter, Kaling poses a question that she knows is sexist. She argues that men are too meticulous when they put on their shoes, an act which requires them to sit and takes several minutes. Kaling often puts her shoes on while standing and is finished in fewer than 10 seconds.