The Alchemist

Subtle enters, and he and Face prepare to welcome Kastril and his widowed sister, Dame Pliant. Face greets them at the door, still dressed as Ulen, then leaves to change into his captain’s uniform. Subtle welcomes Kastril; he already knows that Kastril wants to learn to argue and fight. Suddenly, Kastril interrupts Subtle, calling him a liar. When Subtle is confused, Kastril explains that he came prepared to argue ahead of time. Subtle answers that this is not common practice in rhetoric, which, in turn, confuses Kastril. Subtle breaks from the conversation to greet Pliant, predicting that she will be nobility soon. Her new husband will be either in the military or the arts, but not the knighthood. Pliant is convinced, and Face reappears, also calling Pliant “lady.” However, the Spanish noble arrives, so Face is forced to leave and greet him. As Face leaves, he confesses that he is infatuated with Pliant.

Face and Subtle argue over who will pursue Pliant. Subtle wants them both to have an even chance, but Face wants Subtle to assist him in seducing her, arguing that Subtle is too old for her. Face offers to pay Subtle to withdraw from the competition. However, Subtle calls the widow a “spoil” of the group’s endeavors, which means she must somehow be split evenly between them.

The Spanish noble arrives—actually Surly in a costume. Face and Subtle insult him to his face, assuming that he cannot understand English. When Surly, in Spanish, says that he has come to see a woman, Face and Subtle make fun of the Spanish language and joke about how the noble is about to have sex. However, since Dol is busy with Mammon, they have no woman to bring to the noble. Making the noble wait will tip him off that Dol is with another man.

Face suggests bringing Pliant to meet the noble—maybe she could even do sex work—but Subtle rejects the idea. Face insists that there is no other option, so Subtle acquiesces. As Subtle pokes some more fun at the noble, he considers how he will get revenge on Face for giving up the widow.

Face brings Kastril and Pliant to meet the Spanish noble. Face tells Pliant that the noble is fated to be her husband. Kastril insists on the marriage as well, but Pliant says that she cannot love a Spanish man, as she has not forgiven the Spanish people for the failed attack of the Spanish Armada in 1588, even though she says she was not born until 1591. However, Kastril threatens to be violent if Pliant does not agree, so she gives in to his threats. Surly enters as the Spanish noble, and exclaims at Pliant’s beauty. Kastril pushes Pliant forward, and Pliant and Surly exit to the garden, with Face following them to act as a translator. Subtle and Kastril agree that Pliant and the noble are a good match, at which Kastril reveals his sister’s last name by marriage is Pliant, implying that she is easily persuaded.

Dol pretends to have a “fit,” rambling nonsense about history, while Mammon tries to snap her out of it. Face arrives and chastises Mammon for causing the fit, noting that Subtle might hear her and discover them. Subtle comes by at that moment, and Mammon cannot find a place to hide. Subtle confronts Mammon, accusing Mammon of trying to sleep with the “noblewoman” Dol is playing and warning that Mammon’s sinful attempt to seduce Dol has delayed the production of the philosopher’s stone. Just then, an explosion is heard from off stage. Face report that all the work they’ve done on the philosopher’s stone is destroyed, except a few shards of coal that might have healing properties.

Face claims that Dol’s fictitious nobleman brother is here to retrieve her, urging Mammon to leave. Any hope of the stone is lost now; Mammon blames himself. Face demands Mammon send them £100 in compensation (money across centuries is hard to compare, but this is in the neighborhood of £100,000 in 2023). Mammon agrees. He still hopes there is some stone left, but Face says decidedly that nothing remains, so Mammon leaves. Subtle and Face rejoice that they no longer must worry about Mammon. Predicting that Pliant is likely a noblewoman at this point, having married the Spanish noble, Subtle jokes that Pliant and the noble have already made an heir.

Surly reveals himself to Pliant, telling her that he is working to catch Face and Subtle. He criticizes her for falling into their trap, but also confesses his interest in her, asking her to marry him after he completes his business with Face and Subtle. Subtle enters and attempts to pick Surly’s pockets, assuming that he is tired after having sex with the widow. Surly removes his disguise and hits Subtle, telling him that he is going to arrest him and Face. Face enters, and Surly begins a long monologue about Face’s exploits, during which Face leaves the stage. Surly, shocked to find Face gone, grabs Subtle and assures him that he will pay for his crimes.

Face tells Kastril that Surly is an imposter who is abusing his sister and Subtle. Enraged, Kastril insults Surly, refuses to listen to Surly’s replies, and ignores Pliant’s explanation of the situation. When Drugger enters with the damask, Face tells him to play along. Face claims to Kastril that Surly owes Drugger money. Drugger confirms the debt and adds on more goods that Surly has supposedly purchased from Drugger on credit. Just then, Ananias arrives, announcing that foreign money can be legally cast. Ananias joins Kastril in insulting Surly, calling Spanish people profane and “evil.” Surly finally leaves, and Face encourages Kastril to go after him.

Face sends Drugger to get a new Spanish suit, telling him that he and Subtle plan to dress Drugger in it to trick the widow into marrying him. Drugger leaves, and Ananias repeats that casting money is legal. Subtle, though, refuses to mint the money; he claims to be worried that it will disparage the reputation of their house, since Surly was a Spanish spy. Ananias accepts this reasoning and leaves.

Face plans to dress in Drugger’s Spanish outfit to trick the widow. Subtle makes a feeble attempt to argue, wanting the widow for himself. Dol arrives, having told Pliant that the real Spanish noble is coming. Dol announces that Lovewit has come back from the country early. He is outside in a crowd of neighbors. Face quickly gets his butler outfit on and instructs Dol and Subtle to grab whatever goods they can take with them.